From now on. Why I write.

I write for me, and I write for you …

In the darkest of times, and I have been there … hell on earth and all that, someone said that to find some balance, some thread to hold onto, one should go back to the time you were at your most free.  Usually between the ages of ten and puberty.  So true, in the searching, those years were ones of running without fear of falling, dreaming without wondering if it were realistic.  Of loving and belonging to a family that would catch you.  Of homework in the belief of better to come, engaging with nature, friends, hobbies and the safety of your private space.  Even if it was just in your head. Even those teachers who thought you a dreamer, were peripheral to your path.

Then life comes with the bumps and disappointments and we lose track of simply being.  Like you were back then.  Then relationships become complicated, jobs as bland as cardboard and losing at everything is a reality – you are not the super heroine, the challenger, the saviour or all.  You were simply, well, human. This time of our lives, when some say goodbye, children leave, the body slumps and dreams seem to do the same, it kind of becomes a scary prospect that, in your fifties, you have to face more of the losing for the next twenty years … or you have to gather, go back to the freedom feeling and get those dreams and little you back on track. 

I am getting back on track.  With some regrets, with no regrets, pulling back the veil of disappointment and loss, and wondering how to make the rest of my life count … for me.

If starting again is scary.  It is.  I have cried oceans. Been frightened, paralysed with rejection and loss. Someone not loving you anymore is the worst thing ever and we have all been there in some form or another.  It does not stop you loving them.  Over the decades you have let others go, without blinking, changed direction and maybe it was good … maybe it was not so good but then, here we are, and I did not get the memo on the messy, the uncertain times so go figure.  I aim to figure it out.

To make the new chapter meaningful, one has to assume responsibility for all. Being honest is not always easy, but to say ‘I am here now’ in the ‘mature’ years of my life, I have to be honest.  As do you.  And in this honesty, comes clarity, and growth.

Had the perfect life.  Ain’t so perfect anymore. I stand, yes still stand, growing grey hairs which I loathe and resist to accept, not the super fit anymore, divorced, my parents are gone and in a country not of my birth.  Never been a strictly career orientated gal, financially dependant in some ways, and alone.  Not strictly alone as I have the best children in the world (you think yours are too), travelled and experienced so much and count myself blessed in so many ways.  But there is more to be had of this ballerina.

I wonder where home is sometimes.

The reason I write, or began writing My Silver Street, was for two reasons:

I need to remind myself that life is times without the picket fence ending and I need to write about the good stuff, the bad stuff and all the blessings in-between. All the amazing living about to happen.

I need others who may be in the same situation, at this time of our lives, to know they are not alone. Never alone. Others are going through the same things, the same regrets, doubts, dreams and hoping to make the rest of our time on earth worthwhile, for ourselves. To grow, to discover and if need be, change for the better.  To create new chapters where we can start a new business, travel, nest and take the beautiful we had and harness that to grow to be the empowered women we were meant to be.

I write to tell you, life is worth it, dreams do matter and you can empower yourself to be the best person you are important – from that little girl to the greatness you hold within you.  I write to remind myself, I am here for a reason – as are you. Not just to exist and look backwards, but to use your past to create the most amazing, beautiful, romantic future.

There was a moment when I thought of stopping all this – to discover that other women were reading, sharing and going through the same.  There are many bloggers out there, writing about loss, divorce, starting again, fashion in your mature years, what products to use, how to do this … and do that.  I love them all.  I am writing for the times we fail, doubt ourselves and wonder what the point is sometimes.  Sometimes … till we pick ourselves up and think … I am worth it. That is the reason I write, we are worth it. We have lived and continue to embrace life … faux and fabulous.

I write because I want to understand.  I write because I want you to know, you are not alone. Ever.

You are amazing.  You are going to be even more fabulous.  You are me and I am you.  Women who refuse to live anything but an empowered and romantic life. I write for the future, with all the love of what the past made me what I am. To thank all those who made me what I am.  And to say, love is all.

No more fear. Honesty and running into the future.

Let’s go for it.