I’m falling harder than I pretend …

Sweet talking myself here.  What’s it all about Mrs. Brown? What is the doing of the Ewing with now? ‘Cause I have seen some pretty hard places in my life, and that gutter don’t do me no good … and what is this now?

Epiphany station. Seems the moment one takes that plunge to say it’s ok to lose, to be that ultimate failure and let me tell you, therapists dream I am, but help me, I think I am falling in love with it all again. All the good loving, the some not so good loving, the staying and the leaving, it’s coming together in one big cup cake. Let her lie on a couch they say … what about the angst, the misunderstood, the villains and heartbreakers of past … does she not remember them and lie broken still?

Mmmm, perhaps  Mmmm a little of the wounded knee to be true.  But, with a new dress on.  A little black dress that clings and swings and holds it in. The broken heels are tossed for bare feet.  That is what we do at this stage of our lives because face it, lying there is so unattractive. We have history, sure, but we have history that defines us, and it is awesome, like the chambers of our hearts, they keep pumping fresh, clean blood. Blood rush happening.

The thing is, you have to take those you loved (phew, really, ok if you say so), those that love you still, lovers past and present, and know, put it in the salad spinner and in the end, realise it makes you remarkable, someone special.  You take that heartbreak and all the debris that goes with it, you harness it and fall in love all over again, with the history, with the fragments and this time, you fall in love with the absolute idea that you were capable of loving.  And that, is all.

You are capable of loving.  What a gift. So, walk the walk, and sweet talk the daily doings of life, and then, think about it … you are one big, fat fluffy teddy of love, always falling harder than you pretend, because that is who you are – a loving, fully, no holds barred, without boundaries person and if it got you well, blah at this stage of your life, loving is the best gift you give anyone.

What a compliment you paid someone else.

In all that though, in all the loving, you forgot something didn’t you?  Maybe? You forgot to love yourself …

Is that not being selfish, we stop and ponder?

Call coming up for the self love!  And why am I telling you this? You have your times, and I yesterday, met up with one of the ‘loves.’  Indifferent, moved on and despite the nerves at the ‘hello’, the touching up of the lipstick, the spraying of perfume in the local shop for courage, I sat there and looked, and listened and shook .. and then I thought to myself, you know what, I loved, so deeply, so completely that this is all going to be fine. And when I walked away, I felt more in love than ever before, because I did good. I loved deeply.  Does that make sense?

We are children no more. Young adolescents and yuppie reachers any more.  We are honed and moulded now, by life and all those songs, but we are also capable of being wondrous, for we have loved.

I honestly know people who have never had the experience.

They know loving unconditionally can mean hurting so they avoid it. Bless them.

But we know better. We may be a little cautious now .. and let’s not be … it is the most amazing feeling to be in love with love.

I am falling in love with the idea of love, all over again. I pretend to be cool and sensible, but secretly, the idea of being in love, of loving another without restriction, of loving myself is blowing my socks off.  I’m falling harder than I pretend. And I will never apologise for that.

Thank you Joni for tonights background vibe.