It is a strange thing. For those of you going through a tough time, particularly at this stage of our lives, kindness is sometimes all we ask. Just for others to be kind.
Read the other day, that true grief does not want platitudes, or clichés of how time will heal, how sunny dispositions are all – we have mastered the art of sunny disposition, but what one truly wants is acknowledgment of the pain one is going through at this time, and yes, time will heal, but time related to your own situation, at your own pace.
So two interesting things happened of late. The first was a woman who, how can I say it, assumed and conducted a hate campaign against myself, and friends with no knowledge of the situation, or care that she may have deeply hurt innocent people. Even got her daughter involved, whom none of us had ever met, to throw the proverbial acid in faces of individuals who only loved, and they in turn, accepted no blame. Until recently. After four years, that is how long it was, a flood of emails arrived, asking for forgiveness. Mmmm … may I add, without any true acknowledgement of what was done.
As you know, I hate those who ghost. And insidious practice. To act as if someone never existed and it happens so often nowadays. What is wrong with these people, I ask. If someone has hurt you, tell them, talk, get through it and move on, but to ghost them forever … just bad manners and small.
In this instance however, I decided not to reply. Oh, I had volumes to say, but with this person, nothing I would have said would have resonated and been a change for the good. Nothing would have helped and so I decided not to respond. It was time to cull the little I knew of her, and her daughter, though the words sting still, but to move on, knowing they know what they did to people I love. I have no words for hatred.
The same goes for those who are ‘friends’ on Facebook. Many from way back, who now, know little or care to assume things about us. Friends for sure, over a distance, but in truth little knowledge of the truth. It’s funny, when I go on Facebook (will I ever learn but still do so for many of my friends live far away and it is the only medium of connection at times) some comments hurt, it really hurts – and that hurt whips one back to difficult times. Times, as I said earlier, takes a long time to heal from, to move on from, so why would I want to put myself in that position of seeing it on such a beautiful evening?
Bless them, for they know not what they do. And I do bless them, and wish them well. But for those of us who are beginning again, trying to make sense of being, well, older and sorting out our worlds, they cannot be part of it. If they mean well, or not. They have not bothered to be kind. I only want kind people around me, don’t you?
It pains me, it really does, to have to go and ‘unfriend’ people I have known for years – we share a history, a bond, but they are not in the present of the struggle to regain life, to build a new home, new relationships, new jobs, new connections, new environments and new faith in ourselves.
Oh, hello Fox. Yup, Fox is roaming in the garden below. More of a friend sometimes I think.
So what am I saying? Apart from the daily struggle, and joy for there is much of that, I am finding, against my everything, that I need to cull the killing kind who constantly remind me of the pain of the past few years. If we are to make a life, post divorce, struggling with illness, post parents passing, post losing community and self confidence, we need to sometimes say … just give me a break. But that does not mean we will cut them forever – just for now when the stakes are high and the doing is important. They will always be a tap away from friends again .. and I hope they know that for we never give up on others, do we? We just sort of put them in the holding stack until they realise that sometimes, saying nothing is better than saying something that will hurt.
Culling time for the killing kind, but kindness will out. For those of us who feel misunderstood, dealing with our own dilemmas and getting there … we hope you will come back to the journey of being our friends, on Facebook, but more importantly, in life. We are there for you, when you realise it.
We are happy with our lives, but times the struggle is real, and we don’t need reminding of it.
And I did it. Sorry, but I had to ghost (and hated doing it) but sometimes we need to sort our lives out, hoping some will understand … and when you do, we will be there for you.
Images: Jessica Rose Williams and Pintrest