My model crush of the moment. Anna Sainte Marie.
Those bloody forces of nature are perpetually on my case – and it is so very easy to feel depleted and it is so quick to spiral downwards in the firm belief that the death eaters continue to single you out. Call me a semi-expert in the sphere, but daunted, dear lord, the office balcony is gone!
I mean …
I found myself on the other side of the world.
AND what do you say to yourself, as one does when you are verbally attempting to remedy your current malaise? You say to yourself. ‘What you need darling, is a brand new chapter. A chapter and a plan to Saint-Jean-cap-Ferrat.’
It’s ok that the fuckery may be ongoing, or that the postcode needs to change, these are but temporary setbacks. Instead, muster the angst and secret potions and venture forth onto that blank page. Not as those written in blood of past, as if in a cell with nothing but hay and a guillotine outside, but one tainted the colour and taste of Rôse, Provence mark of origin.
Write another chapter.
As one does.
And one does.
Sans angst, avec un petit portion of poison in the larder. (pardon the french)
When my first boyfriend (well technically I thought he was my boyfriend but he never got the memo) broke my heart, I truly believed that Gloria Gaynor had written and was singing ‘I will survive’, just for me. Every drama in my life had me manic on the dance floor to the song … yeah, yeah, yeah, I will survive … and so on. She so gets me, I wailed. Now the Wedding planner goes … yeah yeah, it’s on the playlist with Whitney Houston and everyone from the Dragon Queen to Aunty Daphne thinks it was written especially for her. You did too, didn’t you?
Anyway, I am on the other side of the world, for now, for maybe a little longer than an English winter, but no longer than the 100 year spell cast on the pretty princess. I am here now, with an enormous bump and entitled to a zillion years of free counselling but I am to the blank page. It is no longer sad, a case of survival or ‘the wretch in the alley with the pox and soon to die’ sort of me, it is going to be amazing. A change of scenery, is always better perceived looking out than looking down at my sagging stomach. So a blank page.
First positive thing to report. I can see again. Ten years of no lighting in the bathroom in London has given way to the naturally lit, much larger bathroom. And it is good. And it is not good. The multitude of sins once cast in dim light is glaringly obvious. If called facing one’s fears is required, I am facing the fearful truth. Dear Homeslice, we cannot meet again.
The opening of this new chapter will be … the return to Avonlea. Avonlea was the name of my childhood home (my mother living in the Free State, imagined herself on Prince Edward Island). I grew up in a drier place of Avonlea but where I am now, my mother’s home is. My children’s home is and in a sense, the curator of our family is back. If every trinket were gathered, they are here with me now, I am surrounded by three generations and wallowing in the joy and nostalgia and multitude of it all. You can imagine some of the forthcoming chapters – how to let go of Delft, for example, or how to finally break the bond of noodle Christmas decorations?
The chapter taking place involves a whole lot of firsts. First time in my life I have every had to buy a car for example. Go figure, I am the most gullible woman alive when it comes to anything to do with cars and just wistfully plead for all to treat me as they would their own mothers and not add a whole new level of fuckery to my life. A little runaround; I am at that stage, but would rather a little run around here and enough money to run around Paris again.
Speaking of Paris, I have two loves in Paris. The actual city and this gorgeous crush on Anna Sainte Marie, icon model of the 50’s and 60’s. The photo shoot she did in a bridal gown with Karen Radkai for Vogue, before the Notre Dame, is my muse. Into Vintage in a big way, all part of the going back to go forward therapy. Beautiful women such as Anna, Margeaux, Karen and Beverley graced the pages, ethereal and airbrushed with great mastery. Am trying to, in my new chapter, remember what it was I loved about them, the pictures, the frosted, feint, silent mystery of who they were and what they represented. So loved them, the circa ancient pic featured is moi trying to be Margeaux as Babe whilst at high school. It was the confident stride.
So I am returning to the allure of vintage and when I was a girl, with a curl, right in the middle of her forehead. You see, the blank page is now the carefully written one, no scrabbles of sos and dear me, but Dear Me. And Dear you.
Perhaps if we acknowledge that all is not lost, that beauty exists, if life turns as if it always needed to, then we can love the Silver Street, no, adore Silver Street. My Silver Street love started in an ancient city, it continues to an African beat and like Anna Sainte Marie, I am on the edge of the river Seine, sylphlike and avec immense attitude.
How do you picture the image on the first page of your new chapter? And may I ask, pourquoi?
PS was looking for some smaltzy quote and quite frankly, those about beginning again are like a chocolate milkshake after a whiskey – icky central. Just take it as it is, that new page, that new chapter, it’s got to be real.