‘Where do you go to my lovely, when your’e alone in your bed. Tell me the thoughts that surround you, I want to look into your head.’
You have done well my friend. Smiled all day, laughed at the right times, demure when it needed to be. Active and organised. Planning and dates in the diary. And when night falls, and sleep escapes … what thoughts run through your head?
Heath Ledger said: ‘ I think the most common cause of insomnia is simple. It’s loneliness.’ If you are alone, or not. Your are alone with your thoughts in the middle of the night. When you cannot sleep.
It matters not what your age is – being alone in the middle of the night is not exclusive to age, it just is. Single, widowed, divorced, or lying next to someone who does not understand or fulfil your needs, or does, makes those hours of the night the time the mind will not rest.
Some take sleeping pills to fall asleep. Some, as the stereotype goes, drink wine to help them fall asleep. Sleep will not come. You are entirely alone with your thoughts and those keep racing through your head. Endlessly, unceasingly, flipping back and forth like a dingy on the open sea, tossing relentlessly.
Thoughts you had not even thought of for ages. A party in your brain. Ghosts of past, gremlins of present, plans made, plans scuppered, people come and gone, places visited, memories that are the making of you – all jumbled up and as you turn, determined to let them go, they follow you. Insomnia is a unhappy guest.
I hear the foxes outside. The bus going by. Drink tea. Tired, exhausted, yes, sleep coming, not a chance. So where do you go to my lovely, when you are alone in your bed?
I go home. To backyard peach trees and swimming in dams. To party dresses, candles and Christmas. The mind sweeps to lovers whose faces one wants to touch again, bicycles, running without thinking, stubbing toes. To parents gone and the aching that follows – breakfasts and fires on the farm. To road trips and business plans, to bridal gowns and interviews. From nowhere sweeps the fear of the future, the nostalgia of the past. Puppies and Old Year’s Eve. Birth. The Tooth fairy and picking lemons in the garden. Of dinner parties, shopping trips, beaches and mountain trails. Of blowing candles, decorating and entertaining. Of flights, of fancies, or growing up.
Making love, and losing love.
Insomnia has no timeline.
It all comes together in one, fell swoop that is your life.
It is the window, the orchestra of you in the middle of the night.
The loneliest you will ever be, is with your thoughts in the middle of the night.
It is a good thing. Despite the knowing you are going to feel like death the next day, it is the one time you get to be with you, in your goodness, your faults, your mistakes and your acceptance that is, is. It is what it is. And only you can take all these myriad of thoughts and feelings and put them in perspective. The chance to not fear the lack of sleep, but delve into the world that is you, and accept. And make it better.
I hardly sleep. It does not worry me for I go the places that I had forgotten and loved, it reminds me of all the little things that are the making of me, the undoing and doing of me and how I, in this Silver Street time, will embrace the thoughts and go forward, for I am not done. I am not undone. I am taking this lack of sleep, the dark hours between dusk and dawn, and saying, so … it’s ok, I will live. And I will gather the threads.
It is a lonely time, insomnia. It may just be the best time, really.
I will not sleep, but I will dream for more.
So where do you go to my lovely, when your’e alone in your bed. Tell me the thoughts that surround you … they will tell you a story of you that is amazing.
I will make it happen. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go home. And home, is me.