If daybreak brought about a misguided twittering for sorting the social media, it has ended in an argument. A desire to pick up a fountain pen and write an entry that requires scratchy nib on paper and a dash of sherry. All efforts of managing passwords, updating profiles and back and forth, back and ruddy forth to get a new code, change a forgotten golden password, is a teary endeavour and I lost. It turns out I have three Twitter accounts, none of which I can change, or delete without upsetting the other one, and I want none of it. If I must cull all to create anew I shall, but on another day.
The proverbial cherry was a message sent by a friend. Is this you, she queried with a link on Face Book. Now, what was I to make of that? Was it me who sent it, perhaps cloning or being disrespectful? Was I in the You tube link doing God know what? Such were the words and just as the fingers tapped into a strange URL I shrank back in horror and closed the window. Did I touch the devil himself? Turns out my friend thought I had sent it, changed my password, apologies to all and have now decided, I am going focus on something lovely rather than the mean, disrespectful lot out there. Vulgar, human or not.
Sometimes one just has to step away. Counselling has taught me that. When things cannot be conquered, or changed, go smaller. For me that can be a number of things. And only lockdown has taught me the value of these, more prominent, more acute, more lasting. I have learnt the value of a perfect cup of tea. The British answer to everything. Be it the cup of char, the infusion, the rooibos, whatever your fancy – it is the brewing and savouring that brings relief. The good book. I can write volumes on this – for years every joining a book club and finding drivel in the ‘Number one best seller.’ Topical – like a screenplay, must have angst, heartbreak, rivalry and for that extra touch, rape. I am talking about a book that will transport in words, create heavenly images, triumph in the everyday. A good, intellectual book will touch the soul rather than pass the time. An excellent glass of wine. Past times, wine was water with a twist, had vat loads of it – now to look, sip and savour. A long, languishing bath with classical music, and bubbles – so long that the skin will winkle and the wrinkles of the mind ease.
A pet cuddle. Miss those but appreciate them more now. And a garden. You may not have one but to be in one is like falling into the personification of beauty. I found a few roses ready for the vase today, as you see, and rather than plonk, I placed each one lovingly, in a vase and thought, where would you like to live in my home? Making a meal, not for mere consumption, but glorification of the dish. Each action, each process, one of deliberate undertaking. These little things take me away from the fraught time, the uncertainty and down, down into the enjoyment of just letting the mindful cake be placed in the oven and keeping the door closed until it is time.
We cannot run at this time. We have to slow down, but slowing in a fashion of fusion of little things.
And of course, family. This is a wonderful accumulation of blood, of amity, of others we chose to spend our lives giving ourselves to. The definition has changed over the decades. We can love whom we please now, at last.
The day is complicated with the times now. To re-design lives and work that will not fit anymore. Becoming more imaginative to survive, re-direct, re-shape, rediscover who we are, what we want and how to make it work. It is not so new really, it is just our new time. So, in the morning of got to get going, find some way to make a living, pay the bills, validate our identities, I was ready to give up with … at this age, now, what the hell do I know and how am I going to convince myself and everyone else, that I still matter – to, it will come, there is time … will go back to the simple measures of breathing in, breathing out, putting the cake in the over and waiting for it to rise, without hurry, until the answers come, in the small soaking up of what makes me happy.
Tomorrow to tame the beast. Today, home. Be it here, there, in a one bed flat or a four bedroomed house, if there is a garden, a cup of tea, a glass of wine, a good book, a soft nuzzle, a bath and my family … it will come. And be extraordinary. It will be a different, but a better journey home.